As I mentioned in a post a week or so ago, I have begun the
process of getting rid of the clothing that I can no longer wear by selling
some items on EBay. I knew that this was going to be a lot of work. The time it
takes to launder, describe, photograph, list, and mail the packages sometimes
makes me wonder if it’s worth it, but I know that it is time to let these
things go. What I didn’t know is how
emotionally difficult this would be. For several days now, I’ve been struggling
and dealing with emotions that I didn’t expect.
It was easier with the first batch of things I listed and sold because I didn’t have any emotional connection with them. Many of the items were things that I only wore a few times or things that I never wore at all. Last weekend I brought a few bags of the largest items, 5X 6X and beyond, and began to sort through the items. As I inspected each garment, it seemed like there were so many memories attached to them. I admit that I am WAY TOO emotional about things. I remembered times I wore the item, especially the nicer things that I wore to work. I remembered the pain, the sadness, and the difficulty that I buried deep inside. I remember how hard it was for me to go to work, to get around, to attend meetings, to be seen by my peers in that motorized wheelchair, wondering how many of them were casting judgment on me.
It was easier with the first batch of things I listed and sold because I didn’t have any emotional connection with them. Many of the items were things that I only wore a few times or things that I never wore at all. Last weekend I brought a few bags of the largest items, 5X 6X and beyond, and began to sort through the items. As I inspected each garment, it seemed like there were so many memories attached to them. I admit that I am WAY TOO emotional about things. I remembered times I wore the item, especially the nicer things that I wore to work. I remembered the pain, the sadness, and the difficulty that I buried deep inside. I remember how hard it was for me to go to work, to get around, to attend meetings, to be seen by my peers in that motorized wheelchair, wondering how many of them were casting judgment on me.
Today I went through a bag of more casual clothes; things
that I remember vividly wearing to the college when I was an unemployed
student. I remembered the struggle of school and unemployment. I remember how
hard and embarrassing it was to be the biggest student in the room, mostly
likely the entire student body. Not all the memories of those days were bad; in
fact, many were great, happy moments, especially those around my time as a
student at MMCC. I smile now when I remember how the “fat old lady” in the
class scored the highest grade on the test. I remember how that “old Theresa in
advising” felt when she was able to help a student succeed. I remembered the times
that I wore the dresses and skirts that are now listed on EBay and the happy
occasions that were celebrated. I know
that I am way to emotional....but certainly writing about and facing those
emotions in this venue is a lot healthier than “feeding them” as I used to.
The biggest emotion I am dealing with this week, and especially
today, is FEAR. That ugly, horrible, emotion that can (and for me, did…..literally)
cripple us. Fear was my stumbling block
then. I lived in fear…of failure, of rejection, of trying something new. It
kept me from trying to lose weight. It kept me from dealing with grief. It kept me from making commitments to things….and
relationships. It kept me isolated and alone.
I hate FEAR! I don’t think anyone likes it.
Today, as I sort through these clothes, I’m not afraid of
exactly the same things as I used to be, but still I am afraid. Mostly, I am afraid of letting go of these
clothes because I remember how difficult it was to find them, and I’m afraid I am
going to need them again someday. That
horrible fear of failure….what if I gain my weight back? What if I let you all….and myself…. down?
What if I’m like the 95% of people that
can’t keep the weight off? What if I can’t do it? What if…what if….what if….. Absolutely, positively TERRIBLE, thoughts to
even think!!! I must get rid of those
thoughts very soon.
As I was trying to talk some common sense into myself a
while ago, Oprah came on. She was doing a special episode called “where are
they now” and one of her guests lost more than half of his size (about 250
pounds). He appeared on the show in 2009 or 2010. Today, they brought him back and interviewed
him, and he has gained every pound and then some back. He said that he now
weighs more than 500 pounds but he doesn’t know his exact weight because his
scale only goes to 500 pounds. This was not what I expected …..and certainly
NOT WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR!!!!
SO…… How am I going to deal with this? How am I going to process this ‘garbage” in
my mind that is threatening to sabotage me?
Well…certainly not the way “Old Theresa” would. She would have taken the bags back out to the
garage and just “not dealt with the emotion at all.” She would have denied
them, hid them, and ultimately drowned them out with an entire bag of potato
chips, a 2 liter bottle of Faygo Peach Soda, and a half of pack of chocolate chip
cookies. Geez….no wonder I weighed 428
pounds! New Theresa is dealing with
it a little differently.
The first thing I am doing differently is that I’m
acknowledging the feelings. I’m being vulnerable and sharing them even as
irrational and foolish as they sound. I’m accepting the emotions as part of me,
and not being too hard on myself for feeling them. Remember what I said before…..feelings
are neither right nor wrong; they just are. It’s what we do and how we act on
those feelings is what can be damaging or freeing.
Secondly, I am realizing that my fear is unfounded. Yes, I know that people gain weight back.
Yes, I know that it’s going to be hard. Yes, I know that is QUITE POSSIBLE that
I might need those 6X clothes again. It is POSSIBLE….but It’s NOT going to be
my reality. Why? Because I am NOT “old Theresa” anymore and in
three years there has not been even one slip-up, not one bite of ice-cream, not
one potato chip. There is not any
evidence that should make me even think that I will fail. I don’t live in that
world anymore. I have been set free by
God. I have changed
my way of life; I didn’t go on a diet. I
also know how to do it; I know how to make good choices; I know what I need to
do to maintain this lifestyle; I know that with God’s help, I can be
successful. I also know that I am a
miracle….and the choice is mine each day….each hour….each meal whether I want
to live like this…… or like Old Theresa. The best thing….is that all of this is
POSSIBLE for you too!
TODAY….I am making a decision that I’ve had enough of the
fear. Enough of the doubt. Enough of the
excuses about why I need to keep this stuff. Enough of the “what if’s” and “I might.” Enough of the shame. I don’t want to carry these thoughts in my
head any longer; I’m letting them go.
I shared this “stuff” today because I wanted you see how
easily our thoughts and feelings can sabotage our efforts to change our life;
how easily we can talk ourselves into failure; how easily we can slip into our
old ways. I also wanted you to see how “human”
I am and to realize that I’m just like you in many ways and I struggle with
some of the same things that you might. I wanted you to see that “stuff” doesn’t
go away when you hit your goal. I wanted you to see WHY I am so adamant that
you spend more time being concerned about changing your mind and heart because that
is the place where true transformation begins.
I know that I will get through this day without binging and
I know that you can get through whatever it is that might be troubling you
today. Not by ourselves….but by the
Grace of God. Don’t give in to the
emotions. Don’t give in to the Fear. Don’t’ give in to the doubt. I CAN…and
I WILL continue to walk in victory and freedom….and YOU CAN TOO!
Thanks for letting me vent and be vulnerable!
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