Saturday, January 18, 2014

A busy Saturday planned

Happy Saturday! I’m so glad I made it through this crazy busy week. Actually it has been a crazy busy month. I am really tired and running on fumes, but I have a list of things that I must do today so there is no time to rest. I’m off town (45 minute drive each way) this morning for a hair appointment, grocery shopping, and other miscellaneous errands. This will last until mid-afternoon. The rest of the day and weekend will be filled with laundry, homework (for my classes, not house work which is certainly needed but unlikely to happen), trying to make a dent in my overflowing email box, and some other miscellaneous projects that I really need to get done. Tomorrow I will go to mass, cook dinner for my friend, and continue working on my ‘stuff.”
As if I don’t already have enough to do, I’ve started to list some of the plus size clothing that I no longer can wear on EBay with the hopes of starting a fund to use as “seed money” for the book I hope someday to write. Writing it won’t be easy, but it is likely easier to write a book than afford to get it published, so getting stuff back into my EBay store is a great way to start saving for that….and to get rid of some of the bags and boxes of clothes (numbering at least 100, no kidding....) that are currently in my garage. A very big task indeed, but a few items at a time and I’ll be making progress.  Just like weight loss….or recovery….or sobriety….a few pounds, a few days, a few hours at a time…..and a month, or a year from now, there will be progress!
I brought a bag of 5X stuff in from the garage last night and opened it up to see if there was anything worth keeping or selling and I must admit, IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT emotionally for me to look at that bag. I didn’t expect that reaction or those feelings to surface; after all, I carry a pair of size 40W jeans and a 5X blouse with me to my speaking engagements, so I’m often faced with the reality of “where I came from”, but opening this bag caught me off guard, perhaps because I am so emotionally, physically, and mentally fatigued from these past two weeks of late nights and stressful registration at the college.
 As I looked at those items, mostly summer clothing in this bag, all sorts of memories came flooding back to what my life was like three summers ago when I wore those things. First of all, I couldn’t believe that I allowed myself to get that big. Second, I couldn’t believe that I used to wear clothes that looked like that, but I had no choice: I had to wear whatever I could find that fit me, regardless of the style or whether it flattered me. I was just grateful to be able to find things to cover my 400+ pound body. Most of the time, it was the largest size available in the catalog.  Many of the things were given to me by a friend who had successful weight loss surgery back then, but has since gained the weight back. It was a true blessing to get those clothes back then because at the time I was unemployed, in college, and unable to afford to buy new ones.  As I pulled items out of the bag, I began to recall certain events or times when I wore a particular shirt or top and I remembered the struggle and pain, and all the emotion, I felt on that day and hard my life was then. So many painful memories and emotions attached to those clothes. I went to bed very grateful that God set me free from that life, but also with lingering sadness for the years I spent being trapped in that body. I also prayed for all those people in the world that are currently experiencing that reality and are hurting. I pray that one day, they too, will be sorting through reminders of an old life.
As difficult and time consuming as it will be for me to sort, launder, photograph and list those items on EBay, and as reluctant as I’ve been to get rid of them, (just in case I gain the weight….GOSH, THAT UGLY FEAR TAKING OVER), it is time in my journey to deal with the reality…to embrace the pain, shame, embarrassment of those years…and to GET RID OF IT……not just the physical clothing…but the emotions attached to them. It’s time to LET IT GO…piece by piece….day by day. Not easy…but worth it, I hop
So…what do you have planned this weekend?  Whatever you do be safe….and stay motivated….and be happy!