Good Morning….. It’s the 2nd day of February
already and although it’s hard for me to believe that a full month of 2015 has
already come and gone, it has certainly been an eventful and exciting, but very
emotional, month. The year thus far has been full of ups and downs, good and
bad, joy and struggle, but it has been a month of new feelings and experiences
and self-discovery as I daily learn what it means to love and be loved in
return and find time to balance work,
college classes, family, a new long-distance relationship, while trying to keep
myself focused on my journey. It hasn’t been easy. In fact, it’s been downright
hard, but each day I’m learning to trust…in God; in others; and in myself and I
am becoming more certain that God is directing my steps down a new path into a
world I don’t really know much about it and admittedly, am not really all that
good at: Love.
I wasn’t really good at weight loss either when I started
this journey, but I managed to learn along the way by continually asking myself
what I wanted most……(to walk again and live)……or to continue to live a life of
pain and obesity. Four years ago I didn’t
know what it meant to be free from the burden of fear and weight because I had
always (with the exception of about a year in the late 80’s) been obese. I didn’t
what it was like to be average (not thin…. I won’t likely ever be thin) size; to
be able to buy clothes in a regular size store; to go to the theatre, a
ballgame, or restaurant without even giving a 2nd thought to whether
I could fit in the chair or booth; or to be out in public somewhere and not get
noticed because I didn’t stand out. I had forgotten what it felt like to be
normal.
I didn’t know how to “do
that kind of stuff” when I started this journey but I learned it along the way……but
it wasn’t easy…..not a bit easy. I would often look at myself in the mirror and
not recognize the reflection I saw looking back at me. Who is that? Who is this new “Theresa?” I didn’t know how to deal with the fuss and
attention (still don’t really)…but I’m learning….but it’s not easy. I didn’t
know how to deal with the emotions and the triumphs/struggles….but I’m learning
day-by-day…but it’s not easy. I can
honestly say that letting go of the fear….of failure; of abandonment; the
unknown; and loss…has been harder than letting go of the sugar. Saying no to FEAR is harder for me than saying
no to Ice cream….but I must do so if I want my life to be different tomorrow
than it is today.
So…..How did/do I do it? Every day…..multiple times a day… I
am faced with the challenge of the words in the clip art attached here: “Don’t
give up what you want most for what you want now.” Over and over and over again
throughout the day we are given that choice and we must ask ourselves… WHAT do
we want MOST? In the weight loss part
of my journey, it was easy to answer that question. More than anything I wanted
to WALK freely; to ditch that walker/cane/wheelchair. I wanted to LIVE…not
merely watch my life pass by. I wanted to be FREE from the burden of weight and
pain. I knew what I wanted…and I wanted those things MORE than anything, so
although it often meant I made some tough decisions and was often hungry,
frustrated, and angry, it was easier to make the right choices back then
because I knew that life on this side would be much better than the state of my
existence at that time. That, and the reality that my choices didn’t involve
people, but rather food, and my choices didn’t affect anyone but myself. These
days it’s not the case….but yet…the same principals apply.
I arrived home last night after spending a weekend away with
my new friend, Bruce. It was a truly wonderful couple of days and we had a
great time, even though we didn’t do anything extraordinary other than be
together and enjoy each other’s company.
On Saturday, we went to visit my dear friend, Sr. Therese Michael Dudek,
IHM, at the motherhouse in Monroe. It was her 84th birthday and
although Bruce only met her for the first time on New Year’s Day, he purchased a
beautiful birthday cake for her and brought it up with him from Ohio. We spent
a couple of hours visiting her and she was beyond thrilled with her cake. We had
lunch; spent a couple of hours in a crazy nail salon; ate lunch; danced to
music on YouTube; swam in the hotel pool; went to Mass; and just talked and
laughed and talked some more. He is a wonderful man. He even showed up with
about 8 bags of grocery items that are on my weight loss plan…..soup; fruit;
yogurt; sugar free items…..even a butternut squash….and a new sweatsuit and
pair of sneakers because he has pledged to help me to keep focused on this journey. Goodness….what
a gift God has sent my way….and yet….I nearly sabotaged it all…..because I was/am
struggling to make the choice to “give up what I want now…(namely to be right
or compromise) for what I want most”, because it means letting go of someone
that has been part of my life for many years.
And yet… I now realize that I cannot move forward if I am not willing to
make the hard choices. This is so much
harder than giving up sugar; soda; or potato chips, but just like our personal
journey to wellness, we can’t have it both ways. Each day I must choose life/health over
sugar; I must choose kindness over selfishness; I must choose trust over fear; I
must choose faith over doubt; and I must choose to seek God’s will, even if it
takes me down a path to new places.
Mostly, I must remember that I am not alone.
Perhaps some of you have experienced the same type of
struggles in your own personal journey. If you, like me, have struggled lately,
I encourage you to join me in making a new commitment today to do whatever it
is you need to do to get you to the place you want to be a year from now. Be
gentle with yourself when you fail; forgive yourself when you make the wrong
choice; and vow to be better today than you were yesterday, and remember, that
even though it won’t be easy….not a bit easy….you are capable of anything when
you remember that God is on your side.
Please pray for me in the coming days and be assured that
you are in my thoughts and prayers as well. God put us together on this journey
for a purpose and even though we may not always recognize it right away, He
gives us what we need to be happy, fulfilled, healthy, and peaceful. We simply
have to make the decision to pick what we want most over what we want right now.
Have a good day…..
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