I can...but choose not to

Happy Saturday Morning!  It is 5 a.m. and I’m enjoying a cup of coffee and spending some quiet time for a short while this morning before getting ready to make the trip to my cousin’s wedding downstate. The wedding reception is being held in a tent at a resort on Lake Michigan in South Haven. Unfortunately, the weather is calling for rain and strong winds all day with temperatures in the 40’s, so it doesn’t sound like that aspect of the day will be too pleasant. Hopefully, though, the forecast will be wrong; if not, then I will have to adapt to it and ‘deal with it.”  After all, the weather is one of those things over which I have no control. Worrying about it, fretting about it, or in any other way allowing it to ruin the celebration planned for today is really just a waste of energy.  Planning for it, on the other hand, is going to be necessary so I’m likely to adjust my wardrobe choice a couple of times before I actually leave the house in a couple of hours!

Planning to keep on track for this weekend celebration is a priority for me. Like the weather, I cannot control what will be served at the reception. I can, however, control my own eating habits, both there and while in the hotel, and any meals I’ll eat on the road.  Planning ahead is critical for my journey. I have already packed a large bag of “keep-on-track” options.  I have a plastic Ziploc with portioned out oatmeal ready to go in the microwave for breakfast tomorrow morning.  I have a package of kettle corn rice cake snacks in case I get the late-night munchies.  I have my sugar-free vanilla creamer and a small container of sugar-free, vinaigrette salad dressing to tuck into my purse in case salad is served tonight. My bag also contains assorted pieces of fruit, a couple of protein/fiber bars….just in case….and oh yes….a small personal size watermelon!  Watermelon season is just about over so I want to enjoy every opportunity I can to enjoy my favorite treat. I’d rather go back to my room and eat watermelon than eat a piece of wedding cake! Knowing that I have that option will make it much easier to make good choices at the reception.

Could I, at this point, simply say, “You’ve come so far, Theresa….you’ve kept the weight off for over a year now….certainly you can take a weekend off plan to celebrate a wedding, right?”  YES…ABSOLUTELY…. I could; BUT, why would I?  Why would I want to take the risk of going completely out of control for a couple of days…and then struggle to try to find my way back next week when I know that I’m going to be traveling again next week?  Why would I want to take that chance….when I have managed to go 3 ½ years without a slip?  I am addicted to food. I am an emotional eater.  I probably could/would control myself….but why risk it?  To me, it would be like a recovering alcoholic saying, “I’ve been sober for 3 years now, so I’m sure I could go to a wedding and just drink for one night. No harm in that, right?”  Or a smoker saying “I haven’t had a cigarette in over a year; I’m just going to smoke one-a-day from now on.”  Could he/she do it?  I don’t know…but why even put oneself in that situation?  I’ve never struggled with drugs/alcohol/nicotine so I really don’t know about that, but I do know that if I ate a French fry or stopped to McDonald’s on the way to the wedding, it would be much easier to do it again on the way home. It’s a slippery slope, one that I can choose NOT to go near. If I were stranded somewhere for several days without food and had no other choice but to eat what was available or starve, that would be a different story; but I’m not…and I have other options…BECAUSE I’M PLANNING AHEAD….so there is no need (at least in MY thinking) to go off track.

.

I realize that moderation is the key for many.  I know and believe that FOOD IS NOT THE ENEMY; it is merely that fuel our body needs to function.  I know that most people don’t share my mind-set and/or have the stubborn-bullheaded-determination that I have somehow managed to develop, and that is perfectly okay by me. I am NOT, under any circumstances, suggesting that those of you that are on a weight loss journey must think like I do. I have never said that my way is right or the only path to success. Each person must develop his/her own thoughts and find his/her own path to success. I am merely sharing how I’ve managed to lose and keep the weight off  thus far; how I’m planning to stay on track this weekend…and beyond; and how I prepare for those special occasions and holidays that are always going to be a part of our lives. Your journey is just that… YOUR journey…and in order for it to be life-long, it must one in which you can stay on….for life. Whether you eat wedding cake or not is up to you to decide; not me.

Remember, no matter what circumstances we encounter, we ALWAYS have a choice….not about whether it rains on a wedding day; not whether we encounter a traffic a jam on the highway; not about what will be served at a party….BUT….how we REACT to those things over which we have no control. I have the mind-set that, “YES, I certainly CAN eat whatever I want….I just CHOOSE not to!”  That way, I’ll feel in control and not deprived, because you know what, the taste of wedding cake, even if it is decadent, will last only for a short while. The results of being in control and making good choices will be evident forever.  Choose wisely today and have a beautiful weekend.

Look beyond......

Many of you know that I work at a small community college in rural, northern Michigan. My work is sometimes very stressful because I advise the students with some of the biggest challenges and barriers to success. Some days it seems as if I “put out fires” all day; other days, I struggle to motivate even ONE student to “get it together” and work harder.  All in all, however, I love what I do and I’m blessed to work with great people.

The college recently hired a new president, Dr. Christine Hammond.  This week, she took time out of her incredibly busy schedule to visit the class I teach to first-time, at-risk students on how to navigate and succeed in college.  To say that I was honored is an understatement!  Dr. Hammond has only been at MMCC for around 8 weeks and has so much to do in her new role.  I had the pleasure of meeting her many years ago when our advising staff traveled a couple of hours north to visit another college for a meeting.  Dr. Hammond was not directly involved in the meeting, but took our group out to lunch afterwards.  I was fortunate to sit next to her at lunch and she made quite an impression on me; not because of her incredible knowledge or position at the college, but rather, because she looked beyond my appearance and spoke to me with sincere respect and interest in my perspective.  I never expected that we would meet again, but now, many years later, she is the “captain of our ship.”

When I met Dr. Hammond the first time, I was over 400 pounds and unable to walk on my own.  I remember that I chose to drive myself up to Petoskey (about 2 hours away) and incur the cost of gas, instead of riding with the rest of the staff in the college van, because I knew it would be a real struggle to go there. Just trying to load and unload the bariatric walker in and out of a vehicle was a chore because it was heavy, large, and awkward, and it only fit in the trunk of my full-size car ONE way. I dealt with severe pain all day, every day, but a 2-hour drive made the stiffness worse. I knew I would be in sheer misery all day and I preferred to deal with that alone during the drive to and from the meeting. Any alteration of my routine of going to work and coming home added stress to my life.

 I remember that day very well. I remember trying to get the walker out of the car and struggling to get into the building.  I remember the set-up of the room; a large table with chairs all around. I had to leave the walker at the door because it didn’t fit in the room.  I remember the anxiety BEFORE the trip. Where would I park? What if it’s not close to the door?  What if the chairs in the room have arms and I don’t fit in the chair?  What if this…and what if that?  That stress of WHAT IF….was the norm for me when I had to go anywhere/do anything out of the norm. Essentially, this is what kept me home and isolated, and led me to refuse invitations. It was just TOO HARD to go anywhere; too much stress; too much pain. It was so much easier to go home and go to bed with a bag of chips and a 2 liter bottle of soda. Eventually people quit inviting me or expecting me to do anything. Even my employer realized that going to a conference or a meeting off-campus would be too difficult, so they quit asking.  Not anymore; I’m traveling to a wedding out of town this weekend and I’m heading to Petoskey next week for 3 days to speak at a conference on Student Success.  YES, life has certainly changed! But I digress…. Back to Dr. Hammond.

Dr. Hammond took our group to lunch before we traveled back to Harrison and I had the privilege of sitting next to her. At first I was very intimidated because I was a relatively new advisor and she had a doctorate degree and a very high administrative positon. And, I was morbidly obese and unable to walk.   And yet…she was so kind to me and was genuinely interested in what I did with students, how I felt about certain things, and the insight I had regarding students.  She was able to do something that not a lot of people were willing to do: Look beyond the weight; look beyond the chair; look beyond the pain and despair in my eyes…..and SEE….the passion I have for helping students succeed.  She made a lasting impression on me and I was able to forget about the physical reality of my life for a short time.  She saw my heart and soul; not my double chin and excess weight. 

I’ve been blessed to have many others, family members and life-long friends, in my life that have done that as well. I was humbled yesterday to read many comments to my updated profile ‘before-after picture” expressing the “I loved you then as I do now” sentiment. This means so much to me to have those people in my life.  The former president at the college, Carol Churchill, was one of them; as well as the majority of my co-workers. Oftentimes, when they see a “before” picture, they comment that they didn’t EVER see me that way, and yet some of those “before” pictures were taken either at work or shortly after returning home.  I worked side-by-side with these people in the “Old Theresa” days and they don’t recognize me in those old photos.  What a gift to have at people in life that can “look beyond….”and still see goodness and potential.  It is that love and acceptance that has inspired me to keep working to be a better person. It is that same sentiment that I feel for those of you in this group that have shared your personal story with me.

When I saw the above clip-art posted on a friend’s Facebook wall this morning, all of these thoughts came together. I love those words: “If only our eyes could see souls instead bodies; how very different our ideals of beauty would be.”  Incredibly powerful words that truly say so much.  I WANT to be that kind of person. I pray to be that kind of person each day when I ask God to open my eyes so that I may see His face in every person I encounter each day; that I may see HIS eyes in those that I meet; that I may “look beyond” the poverty, mental illness, sadness, pain, weight, addiction, fear, selfishness, disability…..and even the ‘what I define as stupid and foolish choices’ that others make.

I also struggle to ‘look beyond” the flaws of “Theresa” and see goodness.  I’ve shared frequently how difficult it is for me to deal with the excess skin and wrinkling left behind from the weight loss. It was a very long time before I could look in the mirror and not see a 4 or 5X body….even after I had lost a lot of weight. Even know, I often see the 20 pounds I’d like to eventually lose instead of the 270 that I’ve already lost and kept off. I’m very hard on myself. I think we all are sometimes because the world defines beauty so differently than God does. God looks beyond….and sees our souls.

Today…. I encourage you to join me in a sincere effort to attempt to “see” things in a new way. Start with yourself.  Make a list today of all the wonderful things about yourself….things that have NOTHING to do with your size, your past mistakes, your flaws or weaknesses….and try to see the goodness and potential you have deep within, buried or hidden by weight, fear, addiction, or past failure. It might be hard at first to come up 5 things because our tendency is to see our faults, especially if we have those in our present or past that continually remind us of them!  Try to see things like kindness; love; helpfulness; generosity.  Try to see those areas where you are strong and victorious, not those areas that need improvement. WE ALL …are a work in progress!

Instead of…..I’m such a loser; I gave in to that stupid candy bar….how about…’ I made it all the way until 3 pm today before I gave into temptation. Yeah, me, I’ll try again tomorrow and maybe I’ll make it until dinnertime!”

How about….” Yuck, I look so fat in these jeans…I just hate it…I’ll never lose weight”….how about, “I still have a long way to go, but last year at this time I wore a bigger size. I rock…Yeah, me!”

Instead of, “I’m so weak. I can’t believe I gained 20 pounds back after I worked so hard to lose the weight in the first place. I KNEW I couldn’t keep it off”….how about… “Yeah, so what, I gained 20 pounds, but I’m still 25 pounds lighter than I used to be, and I know how to get the weight off so “let’s get er done!’

How about…. “So what….I’m not where I want to be YET….but…. I have a kind heart; beautiful eyes; a wonderful family; and people in my life that love me IN SPITE OF.”  I’m going to make changes in my life so that I feel better about ME; not so someone else feels better about me.”

You get the drift…..if we want others to look beyond our weaknesses and flaws and see the beauty in our souls; we have to do that as well, first in ourselves and then in others.  Beauty has NOTHING to do with appearance, regardless of what Vogue magazine and Maybelline may say. Beauty comes from within. As I’ve said multiple times… “I’ve seen some very UGLY (ugly defined as rude; conceited; unkind; selfish, etc…) skinny people!”  YOU…are beautiful TODAY because you have a beautiful soul!

Have a great day and a wonderful weekend. I’m off  tomorrow to a wedding on the beach of Lake Michigan…with a forecast of temps in the 40’s and rain….but….It will be a BEAUTIFUL celebration….because I will try to “look beyond the cold and rain.”

god is just so good.....

Theresa Borawski.  Visit my website:  www.theresaborawski.net to learn more about my story!

How do you greet the morning?

Good Morning!  Just three years ago, I hated mornings.  While part of me was somewhat relieved when the alarm went off because it meant that I didn’t die in my sleep, a much bigger part of me recognized that the dawning of another day meant more of the same misery that filled every other day. I’ve always been an early riser, waking up around 5 a.m. each morning, but for a much different reason than I do now. I woke up early in the “Old Theresa” days simply because it took two hours just to function. In those days, I would need to take potent pain medicine as soon as I opened my eyes and immediately go into the shower, just to loosen the joints and take the edge off the pain so that I could get ready for work.  Every bit of energy I had went into the simple, ordinary tasks of trying to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and get my 400+ pound, crippled-up, body from my bed to my office. I never slept very well in those days, and by the time I began my work day, I was already exhausted; and yet, I needed to pretend otherwise, because, as a single woman, I needed to work in order to support myself.  I often look back and wonder how on earth I ever managed to get through those days, but I know, without a doubt, it was only by the grace of God. 

So many times when we face struggles, grief, illness, loss….or otherwise difficult situations…we immediately blame God and wonder, “Why have you abandoned me, God?  Where were YOU? Why did you allow this to happen?”  Sometimes we become angry, jealous, or bitter. Sometimes we turn to food, drugs, alcohol, or other unhealthy behavior to cope, but if we really think about it, the mere reality that we MANAGED TO SURVIVE those difficult times proves to me that GOD really was present in those days. Otherwise, how would I have found the strength to continue on?

How did you manage to get through those difficult years with wayward teenagers?  How did you survive the pain of betrayal or heartbreak after a breakup or divorce?  How did you endure the horrors of chemo, surgery, or illness, either in yourself of a loved one?  So many other situations of struggle….and if you really look at it in a different way, you may begin to see that you were not alone in those dark days.  The reality is that you are NOT ALONE today either, no matter how steep the hill you feel you need to climb.  You can, by the grace of God (however you define that), change your circumstances, no matter how bleak or impossible they seem at the moment.  It just takes a bit of effort to begin to Look at and Think about things a little differently. 

I greet mornings a whole lot differently these days. Waking up at 5:00 a.m. is now considered “sleeping-in’ for me; a rare occurrence. I typically wake up…without an alarm….somewhere around 2:30 or 3:00 a.m., not out of physical pain like the old days, (although Rheumatoid Arthritis DOES NOT GO AWAY with weight loss and I still deal with it on a daily basis, it merely is easier to manage when the extra stress on the joints is lightened), but because I’m EXCITED to be alive. I no longer crawl from the bed to the shower, but rather, I land in the lazy boy where I write, reflect, do homework, answer e-mail, etc. to mentally prepare for the day. I have way more energy in the morning, and sometimes I’m able to do laundry or other tasks, do a few things in the garden, take a bike ride or walk, try on multiple outfits and shoes (I am SUCH a girl!)….all before going to work. On the weekends, it’s much of the same excitement… “What new Adventure…..what new thing or experience will I get to do today….Where will I go….What will I see?”  Typically, they are the ordinary things that many people take for granted: little things like going to a garage sale, watching the sun come up; pulling a few weeds or filling the birdfeeders. Sometimes, it’s the day-to-day errands like getting a few groceries, filling the gas tank, talking with a neighbor in the yard, or bringing a box to the garage….all things that USED to be nearly impossible for me to do, but things that so many people take for granted and do without even missing a beat.  I now look at these mundane tasks differently: instead of… “Yuck, I hate to do……whatever….it’s, THANK YOU GOD…that I CAN do……..without being totally out of breath, fatigued, or drenched in sweat.” If you struggle to find motivation….perhaps just the ability to do the dreaded chores a bit easier….can be just as powerful as fitting into a size 8 or 10.  The size of your pants means little compared to the ability to function and go through the day a bit easier.

Mornings often turn into days filled with new experiences as well. I’ve shared so many of them with the group. Big moments like “speaking at the Soaring Eagle Casino or other venues”, “fly-fishing”, “riding on a Harley,” or “climbing a sand dune” for the first time are memorable “bucket-list” experiences, but almost every day, other “firsts….or….firsts in a very long time” moments occur.  I never know what type of situation or crisis a student will be having when I go to work. I never know what kind of e-mail plea I’ll read from someone clear across the country or on the other side of the world.  I never know what new insight I’ll see or how God will talk to me through something I see, hear, or experience.  I never know what type of activity I will discover that I CAN do. I do know, however, that NONE OF THESE things….not one….would have been possible had I not taken that VERY FIRST STEP. 

Yesterday I was able to do something that I wanted to do for many years: I walked the wooded trail on the college campus.  When I first started my journey, I had a goal of walking the annual 5K held every September. While I did work hard to be able to walk…PERIOD….and can now do a couple of miles comfortably on most days, I have yet to do a 5K, especially at the college because I was told that the terrain is somewhat rough and hilly.  Yesterday I discovered that it certainly is. While not “mountain climbing” by any means, the beautiful wooded train is not the flat pavement I’m used to walking. My friend Marcia and I walked about a mile and a half, dressed in my skirt and boots because I managed to bring only ONE tennis shoe with me to change into (don’t ask, just smile), and it was BEAUTIFUL. I suspect we will do this more often…and by next September, I WILL be ready and able to walk the 5K!  This moment…WOULD NOT have been possible…had I not taken that very first step and dumped my 6 bottles of soda down the drain!  God is so good!!!

If you want your mornings to be different…..you have to do things differently.  You have to THINK about things differently….with gratitude rather than bitterness or despair.  You have to make different choices….ones that will lead to CHANGE rather than merely satisfy a craving or desire.  You have to believe that you CAN do it….and then you have to do what you need to do to make things happen.  You are very likely not going to wake up thinner; happier; healthier; sober; YOU….and your God….have to make it happen, one day, one step, one thought at a time.   If you are reading this post this morning, feeling depressed, exhausted, or despondent…..try to imagine what it would be like to wake up excited, refreshed, and anxious to see what the new day will bring.  It is possible, my friends…..it IS POSSIBLE….and it is SO INCREDIBLY worth it!!!! Do what you need to do to make it happen!!