Change happens subtly

I am not a fan of the darkness; the kind that results from the lack of daylight or the evil in the world that threatens my peace and joy. And yet, here I sit, at 3:38 a.m. in the darkness and quiet of the early morning, gathering my thoughts and preparing for yet another busy day. It’s my favorite time of day (or night. J)

During these winter days, it is dark more often than not. It’s dark when I go to work and dark when I get home; it’s dark when I get up (of course it is, Theresa, it’s 3 am! J) and dark when I go to bed. I spend most of the daylight hours in a windowless office, and only see daylight on my way to the bathroom. Darkness is a way of life for us in the north during the wintertime. It’s no wonder that there are so many that suffer from seasonal depression….. but…..things are a changing for the better!

Yesterday when I went to work, the sun was shining by the time I pulled into the parking lot. How did that happen after several months of driving in the dark, I wondered? Why, just LAST Monday, it was still dark at 7 am….and yesterday, in what appeared to be ‘all of a sudden’ the day has gotten longer. Although I appeared to be a sudden transition from dark to light, the reality is that it didn’t just happen that way. The amount of light has been steadily increasing by a few minutes each day as the seasons slowly transition to spring. I just didn’t notice the slow, little-by-little transition happening on a daily basis.

My journey these past five years (5 years ago today I began this life-changing journey, Thank you, Lord), has been similar. Little-by-little, step-by-step, day-by-day, God slowly transforming my thoughts; changing my heart; changing my habits; changing the way I see things, and although I often don’t notice it, He is continually working to help me change my life.

Like the increasing amount of daylight, those little changes don’t seem to make much difference…..but then, one day…..it’s daylight when we get to work…..or our pants zip……or we can engage in a conversation with someone and NOT end up in an argument……or we can smell a cigarette and not want one…..or we can hear someone’s name and we realize that the pain associated with their loss has been replaced with peace. We sometimes just don’t realize how much progress we are making on a daily basis.

Sometimes on our journey, we get so focused on seeing results quickly that we become discouraged and want to give up. We expected to lose weight quicker. We hit plateaus and don’t seem to see any progress. We keep trying and nothing happens and we fail, over and over again because it appears that God isn’t present, that we will NEVER reach our goals, that we are destined to be heavy, addicted, sad, depressed, sick, lonely…..whatever our struggle, forever. We really don’t believe that life can or will, ever be any different. We believe that “darkness” is our destiny, and we lose hope.

 We simply fail to realize that day-by-day, little-by-little, pound-by-pound, step-by-step, that God IS transforming us….if we cooperate and do our part. Don’t be discouraged….don’t give up…..because…..even if we don’t see it yet, even if no one notices our progress, even if our life still seems filled with darkness and despair today…..one day, very soon, all of a sudden….boom….you’ll see results and hit that first goal (it will be daylight when YOU get to work), and you’ll ask yourself, “when/how did that happen?” The answer, of course, is little changes, day-by-day add up to big changes.

Likewise, change occurs in the opposite direction, too, without our paying attention. We didn’t just get heavy ‘all of a sudden’. We didn’t just become addicted to our vices ‘with just one drink, smoke, or cookie. We just didn’t become a bitter, angry person with just one negative thought. Our daily habits, thoughts, and actions, although often done without thought, make us that way. One day, we catch a glimpse of ourselves in the mirror or see a photo, and wonder, how did THAT happen?  We shop for new clothes and we realize we are in a size 3X, or go to the doctor and realize we are closer to 300 pounds than 200. Perhaps we realize that having a beer with friends no longer relaxes us; it takes a six-pack or going to the casino is no longer just a special night out; we feel compelled to go several times a week. (I’m not opposed to any of that; just making a point how easily we can lose control). Little-by-little, choice-by-choice, thought-by-thought, we change....but are our days becoming “darker”…or ‘lighter”?

Today, on my ‘new life” anniversary, I give thanks to God that He has helped me to make little changes that led to big changes over time, and I ask Him for the grace to continue on this path. It’s been a difficult year as my body struggles with the pain and fatigue of RA and neuropathy and the side effects of the medication, limiting my ability to walk, making it harder to keep the weight off. My mind is challenged mentally with a new job and college classes, leaving me completely exhausted most of the time, but I remain grateful for the blessings in my life.  I ask God to continue to make Himself present to me, strengthening me and helping me to make the right choices each day as I recommit myself to my journey……and I ask the same for you!

Wherever you are on your journey; whatever struggles threaten your peace, whatever ‘darkness” envelopes your life, I encourage you today to make a small change to improve your health and well-being. Little changes….done consistently….lead to progress. Life is hard….struggles are real…..change is difficult….but God is bigger than all that, and little-by-little, thought-by-thought, step-by-step….we CAN…and we WILL….change our lives! 

Happy New Year

Happy ‘belated’ New Year! Like many of you, it’s “back to” day: work, school, routine, lifestyle change, and so forth. For some of you, it’s the first day or two of your journey to a better life. I’m actually looking forward to going back to work because I have spent the past week in my jammies trying to fight off a nasty cold/respiratory infection, and although I’m still not feeling great, I need to get back to a routine; not to mention….get dressed!

My much-anticipated Christmas vacation certainly did not go as planned, but it was peaceful and I was glad to have some time off work. As you know, we had a tragedy in my family a few days before the holiday. My cousin, Tammy, was killed when her dad, my Uncle Fred, was moving his motorhome and smashed her between the vehicle and a pick-up truck.  It was a freak accident that left many in a state of devastation and shock. We buried her the day after Christmas. Getting through the holidays were easy compared to the difficult days to come for her immediate family, and especially my uncle, as they begin the grieving process.

Her death was horrific, and yet, it was a somber reminder that life is very short…..a gift that comes with no guarantees.  Her life….and death…..made me even more determined to cherish those in my life and be grateful for the gift of each day; even the ones in which I don’t feel well or things don’t go as planned. It also reminded me that the things that I sometimes fret about, details that don’t really matter in the long run, and little stressors/worries that threaten my peace/joy/well-being mean very little. Tammy’s death will be undoubtedly motivate me to be a better person in this new year and remind me that people are more important that things, love is more important than jealousy/anger/hate/bitterness, and NOW is the time to do those things that will make a positive difference in my own life and in those around me. Tomorrow is not guaranteed….TODAY….is the perfect day to begin….or recommit...to a journey to a better us!

I arrived downstate and was doing the final preparations for Christmas Eve (an all-day/all evening celebration in my family) when I received word that a powerful wind-storm knocked out the power at my home up north. For those of us that live in the area, losing power means no heat, electricity, or WATER. Although I was warm and safe at my sisters, enjoying the comforts that sometimes go unappreciated, my heart was with Bob, my friends and neighbors, and the thousands of others who were inconvenienced by this storm, especially on Christmas Eve/Day with an estimated restoration time of several days away.

How will they celebrate the holiday? How will they cook Christmas dinner? How will they accommodate their family members without water to bathe or flush the toilet? How will they keep warm….etc. and what about all their plans for their family celebrations?  For a big baby like me that relies on the ‘often unappreciated’ comforts of heat, electricity, and water, this storm seemed like a catastrophe and my empathetic heart ached for those who were inconvenienced. Once again, though, I was reminded that the things I sometimes think are so important really are not that big of a deal when I heard/read on Facebook that for many, this was the best Christmas ever, as they gathered together with loved ones, opening gifts by candlelight, snuggling close to keep warm, playing games and TALKING with each other simply because they didn’t have the electrical gadgets that sometimes hinder family relationships. For those without power, people/love/time together was the heart of their holiday celebration. Fortunately, the power was restored by the time I returned home and all was well except for the death of four of my goldfish because of the outage of the air pump.

Christmas Eve was a good day, in spite of the grief, and the kids in the family managed to divert our attention for a few hours with their excitement and energy. Uncle Fred joined us for dinner and although his heart was broken, it was good for him to be with us for part of the day. My sister and her family left town early on Christmas Day and although I didn’t get to see them and my plans got changed for the day, Christmas day was very special for me.

 I began the day by visiting the IHM motherhouse in Monroe and attending mass with the retired sisters at the convent. My dear friend, Sr. Therese Michael Dudek, was so surprised when I showed up unexpectedly to spend part of the day with her and attend mass. She is elderly and frail, and yet full of joy and love, and it was so good for me to be with her and the other nuns for a while on this special day. I believe I made a ‘new tradition” and will likely do the same thing next year if the opportunity presents itself and I’m blessed with another Christmas with my friend.  I then had brunch with my Uncle Bob/Aunt Kathy and several other family members, including Uncle Fred, before heading to the hospital to see my friend Carol who recently had her other leg amputated. That visit with her and her husband Jim, and daughter Susan was another special part of the day. Jim and Carol have been like parents to me since I was a baby, and both are now frail and need constant care. My heart breaks to see them suffer, especially Carol, who lost both legs this past year, and Jim who is struggling to be away from the love of his life. Pain, sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety fill their lives, but for a few hours anyway, there was joy and a lot of love. The family was able to bring Carol home on New Year’s Eve, but things are very difficult for them as she needs round-the-clock care and is suffering greatly. It is extremely difficult to see loved ones age and become frail, and yet the memories of this past Christmas are etched in my heart and are will likely become very precious in the coming years. I may not have another opportunity to spend another Christmas with Sr. Therese Michael, Jim or Carol. I went to bed that evening reminded that life....and those I love….are a gift to be treasured for as long as I can. 

I went to Tammy’s funeral the next day and then returned back home several days earlier than planned to spend some quality time with Bob who suffered his own health crisis’s this past year.  I was already feeling a bit under the weather myself and I wanted to make sure he was okay and taken care of. It turned out to be a good thing as I ended up spending the rest of my vacation recovering myself, and allowing him to take care of me. This definitely was NOT how I planned to spend my holiday break….and yet, I’m grateful that I didn’t have to miss work when I was feeling ill. I just moved from couch to the bed, watched a lot of Hallmark movies, and laid around in pajamas for a week. Needless to say…. I’m actually looking forward to putting on “real clothes” and getting back to the routine of work! I also will be taking two new classes at the college (Accounting and Business) and teaching five sections of a College Success Strategies class as well. I will be a very busy girl again….but nonetheless…. I am beginning this new year with a renewed commitment to continue on my journey, cherishing those that I am blessed to journey with, and appreciating the opportunities I have each day to change, not only my own life, but others as well.

The old year has ended….and although it was an emotional one with an abundance of ups and downs, I face this New Year with the reminder that at end of our lives….whenever that may be….only three things remain: Faith, hope, and love….and the greatest of these is Love.  In spite of all that happened in the past year, good and bad, I still have the FAITH that God is present in my life, continually directing my steps; the HOPE that I….and YOU…can change those things in life that are not life-giving and beneficial to us; and the LOVE that continually transforms us and provides meaning to our days.  I look forward to sharing my journey with you in the coming year and being a part of yours.  May 2016 be our best year ever!!!   Happy New Year….Happy new YOU!!!!

merry christmas

Merry Christmas Eve. It’s about 3:30 in the morning and like usual, I’m awake and ready to begin the day. Christmas Eve is the big day of celebration in my family with festivities beginning mid-morning and lasting through midnight/late night mass tonight. Typically it is a day of great joy and celebration, but today our hearts are heavy with grief. Many of have heard/read that my 56 year-old cousin, Tammy, died  this week as a result of a horrific accident in her own driveway. Her father, my uncle Fred, was moving his motorhome and somehow Tammy got smashed between the motorhome and her truck. It was truly a tragedy. We will bury her on Saturday.

My family is not the only one who are hurting this year; so many of you have lost loved ones in this past year and sadness/grief/longing will intersperse with the joy and excitement of the festivities. My heart goes out to each of you that is hurting; whatever the reason. It is times like these when we have to really dig deep and work hard to seek the positive and be grateful for the blessings we do have, rather than dwell on what we’ve lost……certainly not an easy task.

I’ve been struggling all week to find words to say to comfort my uncle, Tammy’s husband and children, and her siblings, but I am at a loss. There really aren’t words to make sense of it all. There isn’t anything that I can say to bring her back. I don’t know why God took her home or why all of this happened. It is simply one of those times when I must trust that God is present and in control.  I felt the same emotions multiple times this past year when other things happened that didn’t seem fair or I didn’t understand.  Why did my dear friend Carol have to have not one, but both, legs amputated this year? Why did my co-worker and his wife lose his son to brain cancer? Why did a terrorist blow up a plane or shoot innocent people?  Floods, fires, storms…….war, violence, death…….sickness, depression, grief…….Day-by-day we are bombarded with news of yet another tragedy, and yet, in spite of it all, I am ABUNDANTLY blessed. I cannot change the things that happen around me, but I certainly have the power to change how I react to them; therefore, this morning I am pondering what Tammy’s death has reminded me of: Life is a gift, and each day is precious.

In a few hours I will be surrounded by 35+ family members. There will be noise and chaos and excitement. There will be tears and laughter; sorrow and pain; old and young. There will be wall-to-wall people, coats piled on the bed, gifts stacked all over the place and more food than we need.  Mostly, there will be love. In reality, nothing else really matters, does it?  Suddenly, it doesn’t seem that important whether or not there were 14 different kinds of cookies on the cookie platter or whether the gifts are wrapped in such a way that the wrapping paper lines up perfectly. Petty jealousy, grudges, past hurts and insults seem trivial now; let them go. “This one spent more money on a gift”……”that one is thinner or has more money”…… “why did she send YOU a card; I didn’t get one”…. “She never does anything to help clean up”…. “Their kid is a brat…..she did this or that…..”  Thoughts, sometimes spoken, other times left to fester……that contribute nothing to one’s well-being and personal growth, and mean absolutely nothing when you think about how quickly life can be taken away. What is truly important is the conversations we have with one another; the meal we share; the way we speak and act, and the love which binds it all together.

My wish for you and your family is that you will discover and dwell on that which is truly important…..and let the rest go. Stay focused on your journey, but cherish your celebrations and the gift of each other. Life is VERY VERY short and none of us are given a guarantee for tomorrow.  Please keep my family in your prayers as we face these coming days.  Merry Christmas to you and yours…..

          

avoid emotional eating

Good morning. I swiped this clip from one of our group members and think it is a very worthwhile thought for this day. Things have been stressful and hectic in recent weeks with some changes at the office and I've been mentally and physically dragging by the end of the day, so I haven't had the energy or time to write, but my thoughts are always with this group. Watching the news coverage of the recent terrorist attacks, both the plane that went down and in Paris only added t...o it. Throw in the horrific weather all over the country displacing people from their homes and devastating lives...and well.....it COULD become a perfect excuse to give into emotional or comfort eating.

I remind myself multiple times a day that LIFE is a gift.....and, although I cannot control the 'external things" that happen around me.....I can control how I react to them and how I respond. Eating a cookie or a bag of chips isn't going to change the news....or the weather; it isn't going to make my piles of work get smaller; it isn't going to ease the sadness in my heart when I think about loved ones that are hurting right now; and it certainly isn't going to ease the stress that sometimes comes with life. it might distract me temporarily.....but after a life-time of emotional and comfort eating, I KNOW that it only makes life more difficult....so.... I WON"T....give in to the temptation.

So many people in this group are going through some pretty rough times right now. As we approach Thanksgiving next week, things are going to be even tougher for those that have lost loved ones this year or have faced other life-changing situations. I encourage you to be strong....stay focused...and draw strength in comfort from God......not food, drink, or other harmful habits. You can get through the tough days ahead.....one at a time.